I'm 32. This summer, my husband and I will be married for 12 years. Within those 12 years, we've had 5 kids, a miscarriage, and have moved 7 times, including at 7 months' pregnant with my first, 8 months' pregnant with my 2nd, and when my 4th was only 5 weeks old several states away. We're on the 3rd and hopefully last home to flip while living in it, and have flipped a rental property as well.

       This last pregnancy, I suffered with severe depression. I was pregnant with my fifth- a completely wanted baby, a baby that was promised to me by God during a really difficult time in my life. My husband took on more work, and we were in a better position financially than we've ever been. We bought our first rental we flipped. My husband was a leader at church. We were living in a great house, and had four beautiful kids I was homeschooling. Everything in my life looked great from the outside. Yet, I kept envisioning myself in this beautiful dress in the middle of the ocean, my kids, the different demands I was carrying all deep down below with ropes they were holding onto that were wrapped around me, and I was drowning. I couldn't lift my head above the water and was suffocating as a result. Nobody could see the tears forming in my eyes as the waves were washing them away; and there was Jesus, standing on the water above me, so bright in contrast to the darkness I was in, reaching out His hand for me. I wanted so badly to grab it, desperately trying to reach Him, looking back at those precious children and the husband He had given me- knowing they were depending on me and knowing they weren't burdens, yet this picture would make it seem that way, and I was too terrified to paint it. Those things weighing me down were my dreams, my blessings. They were everything I had been wishing. I've always felt like the best things in life were worth working hard for and have never been intimidated by that, so I knew something was wrong. However, it's one of those feelings in life that is too hard to talk about, something I might be shamed for. I knew I had been through what seemed like hell other times in my life, that others had it so much worse, and that it seemed like such a first world problem that it was hard to truly allow myself to own it and talk about it. Happiness and life seemed just out of reach, yet I knew that nothing in this world could fill that void. No number on the scale. No loving marriage. No well-behaved kids. No beautiful, clean home. No perfect health.

       I knew right then and there that something had to change in my life. I couldn't wait around in the hopes that someone else would fill my tank. I couldn't keep hoping for someone else to rescue me. I couldn't keep pouring out of myself from an empty tank. I couldn't keep trying to rescue others without putting on my mask first. I always hated the ideas of damsels in distress, yet I had become one. I had all the resources in front of me. I had a Husband in my Maker (Isaiah 54:5) who was more than willing to fill my love tank every single day. I had access to Living Water. I had everything I needed to become healthy and whole again, everything I needed to give me life so I could in turn give life to those around me. It wasn't the load I was carrying that was too heavy. Those loads were my dreams, my blessings, everything worth having in life, and I was made to carry them. However, there was a problem in the way I was carrying them. I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me, heal me, empower me, carry me, and meet me halfway as I try to walk out His leading. I could have never come up with His plans on my own, so I know it wasn't my doing, and I'm learning that while He's led me to carry even more of a load it would seem, His yoke really is easy and His burden is light. I've found a spring in my step again, a renewed sense of vision and purpose, and a hope to share with others along the way.

       I want this site to be a place of hope. A place that gives life to those who in turn give life to others. I wanted this to encompass so much, so many areas of hurt and disappointment, so many struggles along my own journey that I wished I had answers to at the time and had about 20 different pages and subpages assigned, only to feel overwhelmed myself. My husband thought I should limit the sections, and I agree. So for now, they'll just be "Hope", "Homemaking", and "Creations". "Hope" will include what I'm learning along my journey as God's healing me from the inside out, renewing my mind, and setting me free. I want it to give life to those who read it. The section of "Homemaking" will include pictures of houses I've made into homes, the one we're working on, and also any insight on building up our home I've received on marriage and family, and possibly some go to recipes I've come up with that seem to be a hit with everyone who's tried them and fairly easy to make. Lastly, the "Creations" section will include some of my art and poetry. Hopefully whatever I add will be a breath of fresh air to whomever comes to visit. You're always welcome here!