Worthy Wife: A Call to the Church in Response to Philip Yancey's Infidelity

I hesitated to write this- not because the issue is unclear, but because many of the responses to Philip Yancey’s infidelity reveal something far more troubling than a single man’s failure. They reveal a pattern within the Church: a reflex to protect male reputation at the expense of female reality, to call mercy what is often moral abdication.

Let me be clear from the outset. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in mercy. I believe love covers a multitude of sins. I believe God forgives what we ourselves find inexcusable, and it's by that grace we have the ability to forgive the unforgivable in others.

But forgiveness does not require minimizing harm. Grace does not demand silence from the wounded. And repentance does not negate accountability.

Much of the commentary has leaned on the familiar refrain: “There but for the grace of God, go I.” It sounds humble- compassionate, even- but it quietly lowers the bar to the pits of hell. It suggests faithfulness is an impossible standard, that betrayal is an understandable inevitability, and that prolonged deception is simply the human condition. It is not. Let me be clear: I am not calling for torches and pitchforks for those who have failed. God offers grace- abundantly. But it is that same grace that empowers us to do what is right. Any gospel that leaves people powerless to sin is no gospel at all.

And leaders-who Scripture holds to a higher standard- are not exempt from this. If someone cannot promise faithfulness without hesitation, and is not preaching a gospel that actually empowers obedience, they have no business occupying positions of spiritual authority.

Faithfulness is the bare minimum of love in marriage- the baseline expectation, not a spiritual achievement. It does not require knowing God to refrain from sleeping with someone who is not your spouse. It requires seeing another human being as worthy of dignity, restraint, and honor. Countless unbelievers manage this every day.

This was not a momentary lapse. This was eight years- thousands of days- of secrecy, deception, putting his wife in danger of STD's, and betrayal. Fifty-five years of faithfulness on her part, and eight years of dishonesty on his.

And yet much of the conversation has centered on preserving his voice, his legacy, his usefulness to the Church, and acting as though one's powerless to betrayal.

Where is the grief for her? And where is the power of the Spirit?

Some have noted that his public apology acknowledged the other woman’s husband and children before addressing his own family- despite the fact that he and his wife have no children. Even here, she is rendered invisible, folded into a collective rather than seen as a whole person whose world was upended. My heart breaks for her.

Others invoke David and Solomon with countless wives as proof that God uses deeply flawed men. That is true. God can speak through whomever and whatever He chooses. After all, He spoke through an ass, didn’t He? But Scripture does not record David’s or Solomon's sins to excuse them- it records them to expose their cost.

Scripture is equally clear about leadership. Moses had one wife. Hosea had one wife- a prostitute even, and God used his faithfulness to her infidelity to mirror God's faithfulness to His people. The qualifications for elders are unambiguous: the husband of one wife (1 Timothy 3:2; Titus 1:6- though, older translations can even be translated as faithful to one's spouse as women were qualified as well). From the beginning, God made them one-man and woman, equal companions, not competitors (Malachi 2), and warns of the dangers of betraying and deceiving women by treating them unequally.

When Jesus shared that if anyone looks at a woman with lust, it’s the same as committing adultery with her, He didn’t equate the greater sin of adultery as equal with the thought, but equated what we think as the lesser evil of thought with something that is greater. Why? Because sin is birthed in a thought that goes unchecked, in a heart that is misaligned. He was not minimizing adultery; He was intensifying responsibility. And His response was not blame-shifting or spiritualization- it was accountability. He demanded, "pluck out your eye"- or in other words, take responsibility.

Yet men unwilling to take responsibility have twisted this teaching into justification. "Boys will be boys." Women must dress better. Wives must provide more. Blame-shifting as old as Adam. Yet, Jesus never treated women this way. Even the woman caught in adultery was met with dignity as her sin was put on display while the man's was not.

I love Philip Yancey’s writing. I own several of his books. He has helped many understand grace. And yet I have long believed parts of his theology are incomplete. When believers identify primarily as sinners rather than as new creations- saints empowered by the Spirit- sin should not surprise us. That's why it's so important to know who and Whose we are. Because identity shapes behavior. "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7).

God has given us a new name. He has revealed His original intent. He has given us His Spirit. His divine power has provided everything we need to live a godly life (2 Peter 1:3–8).

We are not helpless, and we have no excuse. (Romans 1)

The Church’s crisis is not merely moral failure- it is theological confusion. When we worship the creature rather than the Creator, when women are reduced to utility rather than honored as image-bearers, distortion follows. We profess to be wise, while becoming fools, and God will give us over to our debased minds as we think we're progressing (Romans 1:18-32). Men who root their identity in performance cannot love others in their being. And when women are taught that submission earns love, they will endure what should never be demanded.

Men are called to love their wives as themselves. No man would tolerate the hell inflicted here if it were his own. Minimizing that pain is not grace- it is dismissal. And if you cannot commit to faithfulness, do not invite someone else into the grief of your unhealed heart.

We are called higher than this.

Paul’s words in Ephesians 5 are not ambiguous:

There must not be even a hint of sexual immorality… Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

Exposure is not cruelty. It is love.

Respect does not enable men to be less accountable- it calls them to be more. And the Church dishonors Christ when it demands women’s submission while excusing men’s lack of character. God never asks or requires more from us than He gives of Himself, yet that is what the church has been doing to women for ages. It's high time we change that.

"There is no love without admiration or respect." And I expect more- not less- from those who bear His name, and so should you.

Worthy Wife I was a Jones you couldn’t keep up with

Taught to be an example from a young age

Learned obedience trumped feeling loved

And to not rattle any cage

I was taught my voice was dangerous

My heart I couldn’t trust

My will needed to be broken

And my body, a source of lust

I was taught my highest calling

Was to lay down my life

For my kids, my church, my husband

To be a good wife

I was taught I was subordinate

For simply being female

And my job was to submit

To my husband-and really, any male

To please my husband would please God

All I’ve wanted since I was young

But it was dammed up like a spring just out of reach

Of my parched tongue

I became thirsty for approval

An obedient daughter, my greatest need

Saw my husband as my teacher

While he was spilling seed

I ate crumbs off the ground

So desperate, I became a dog

Taking whatever I could get

Not welcome in the synagogue

I thought good leaders didn’t ask

More than they were willing to do

And attitude reflected leadership

I thought we all knew

But I’ve been carrying heavy burdens

And I found I’m not alone

While you wouldn’t lift a finger

For your flesh and bone

I’ve lived my life restricted

Sought to not take up any space

Taught to be gentle and quiet

I always knew my place

I was told it’s what you wanted

If I was her, I would be loved

But I became her- I did it all

And you proved I wasn’t beloved

And you should be ashamed

Don’t let your conscience be seared

Own up to the mess you caused

When women were taught to be feared

Or keep going on ignored

Throwing yourself on the altar of God

While He stands to witness

Your facade

I don’t see how it’s such a mystery

It’s black and white to me

You can’t love all of Him

While seeing only half His body

But you were never taught to love yourself

It makes sense why you hate me

When I am but a reflection

And you don’t like what you see

But the world is waiting in agony

Hoping you’ll humble yourself and repent

And I know you don’t know what that’s like, but I do

They’re waiting for the event

Everyone’s invited

The table has been set

I’m not afraid of my enemy’s presence

I won’t live a life of regret

I’ve got my oil lamps burning

Been preparing all my life

And I know by the blood He shed

He thinks I’m a worthy wife -Me (R.A.D.) from 12/7/25 (Sometimes I write and have no idea where I'm heading. This poem was one of those times. It came out of me early in the morning like I was just a channel of reception and when I wrote the last stanza, I wept. Sometimes we need to be reminded that God sees us in ways we might struggle to even see ourselves.) And if you want to read from some others I follow along the same lines that are a part of the church while calling the church to a higher standard and/or are just living that out, here are just a few I can think of off the top of my head I highly recommend: Bare Marriage, Dr. Andrew J. Bauman, She Walks Free, Sydnee Clark, Amanda Held Opelt, Justin Whitmel Earley my pastor Brent and his wife Tani, and several from Bethel Church: Steffany Gretzinger, Bill Johnson, and Kris Vallotton, among others. A lot of these voices have helped me articulate what many women have lived silently for years and others have just spurred me on in my walk with God and living with integrity. And I know there are more too. Please feel free to share them here and with others! Let's help drown out some of the horrendous ideas that should have never been given a platform and give attention to those who deserve one. I leave you with this. This is what the Bible shares as walking in the way of love in Ephesians 5:1-14:

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater-has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.

  For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light  (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible- and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”