I couldn't help but ask You to say it all again
I tried to write it down, but I could never find the pen
I'd give anything to hear You say it one more time
That the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes
My husband left our room to head for work, and I cranked this song up and put it on repeat- a song that made me tear up whenever I stopped to really take in the lyrics for at least a solid six months. Yet today, not one tear. I haven't decided if it's because I'm too mentally exhausted to really process things, if there's a disconnect somewhere in my spirit, or if it's one of those times I've worn out another song I love.
I do that to songs and food and probably other things too if I really stopped to think about it. I love something so intensely, I crave it for a month or listen to it repeatedly until I can't stand to eat another bite or don't want to hear it again for a while. The things don't change, but my attitude towards them does. I have a tendency to lose my awe and wonder.
This past week in Sunday school, I shared about Jesus welcoming the little children. Jesus said, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
You know what little children don't lack? Awe and wonder. Everything's new to them. Everything's exciting. Dad and Mom are seen as superheroes and the kids love and feel loved. As they get older and their love tanks might not be filled, they start paying attention to their siblings and their experiences. They think their younger brother or sister might be more loved because they require more attention, don't get as harsh of consequences, or might be enjoying things more. Jealousy sets in and rather than joining in on their siblings' excitement, it's easier to compare. I wonder how many times I do that with my own faith. How many times I let myself go on empty when God's living water and daily bread are right here waiting for me. Or the times I've had my fill, and forget what it feels to be hungry. How many times I look at others newer in their faith, experiencing things that I once did, not struggling with areas that I do now. How when things are stagnant in my own life, that's when I look around and tend to point the finger at someone else's walk. When I notice others' specks and ignore my plank. When I lose my awe and wonder and don't enjoy the place God has me in, the experiences He's taking me through. I shared with some ladies in my life group how I've felt like this site is supposed to be more than just a blog recently. How I felt like it was supposed to be an actual site that women can go to and be refreshed. My husband had plans of doing a S.T.E.A.M. program on the side and educating the teachers on how to teach it because he's awesome at that and while he was thinking of that, I told him it'd be awesome if he had 4-2 hour increments, 2 during the school day for homeschooling moms and 2 after school times for those who have different hours. That way, women could have a power 90 every day- 90 minutes to dedicate to whatever dreams they feel like God is calling them to besides being a wife and mom, or to just grocery shop alone, or take a nap, shop, meet with other women, or whatever they need to do to fill their tanks for the day with 15 minutes to get there and 15 minutes to get back. They wouldn't need to worry because their kids would be learning while having fun, and I figured with everything going on, it would help meet the mental needs of our society, as many women were forced to stay at home and school their kids for the first time. If they knew that every day they'd have that two hour break, how much it could support them and their families in various seasons. I wanted to design rooms where the kids could learn different trades and skills and kept picturing a big tree house with a bench inside where the younger kids could have story time. My husband was about to pull the trigger on getting a home equity line of credit on the S.T.E.A.M. program only for them to sell to another company that would require him to pay over twice the amount upfront, have a building, and less of a return, leaving it ridiculously out of our reach (especially when it was already quite the stretch to begin with). While he didn't initially have the same dreams on combining ideas and planned on storing things in our home I wasn't thrilled about with 5 younger kids, it kind of felt like part of my dream died when his did too. When I shared my ideas with the ladies in our life group, my friend Ann who works at Union Gospel Mission thought I should meet some people there as they have some big open spaces that aren't being used and planned on helping these homeless women- some who have been abused and used or might be struggling with various addictions- and their children get up on their feet again. They want to help them learn different skills to be able to get a decent job so they can afford their own home and live on their own. I'm not going to lie, seeing the big spaces, hearing the needs, the lack of funds, and thinking about our schedule and my situation was somewhat overwhelming. We did end up signing papers and opening a home equity line of credit just a week ago in case we want to flip another home soon (this time one we don't live in!) and ideally in February as we'll be traveling in January. All these thoughts were running through my head. I thought after my book and us getting so close to finishing the interior projects in our home, I could just take it easy (ha, you know besides homeschooling and parenting five kids and all that comes with that), illustrate some children's books I've already written, and work on my art. I wanted to flip homes we don't live in at some point too. I literally came home, my head felt funny-almost dizzy, and I told my husband I needed to take a nap. I was asked to pray about if I should be involved and I did. I thought about how I was told there are so many dreamers in this city, but not many doers. I prayed some more. Nothing. Just some thoughts about how I started only doing HIIT workouts 3 days a week at the gym recently (instead of 5 long days as I still wasn't seeing results & my sister wanted to try it), and ninja for the kids those days, and while they have science class with their grandma on zoom and school they can finish in the morning the other 2 days, we could maybe go in the afternoons starting the week after Thanksgiving as we'll be out of town. They can run around the big open spaces, bring stuff to do, or help if they want to. I told them the situation, and nobody opposed it. I found out this amazing kitchen that the guy at the mission said he could get if I negotiated down they couldn't access the funds for, and now I am trying to raise money to get a kitchen for these women. I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea how long I can be involved with us wanting to flip houses soon or what our schedule will look like as our family gets older and has different needs, but I do know that for now, I will be stepping into help, and I don't do anything half-heartedly. As I surrender my desire for rest and comfort, I start getting excited about possibilities again and stepping into another adventure God will be with me on. I see women learning to cook. I see them in their own homes teaching their children the skills they just learned. I see them overcoming addictions and circumstances, leaning on Christ's goodness, and finding hope again. I tear up thinking about any hand I might have a part in it, and the lyrics come into focus once more and the awe overwhelms me as I pray that God somehow uses little old me and my willingness. You taught me the courage of stars before You left
How light carries on endlessly, even after death
With shortness of breath
You explained the infinite
And how rare and beautiful it is to even exist -Sleeping At Last "Saturn" If you'd like to help the women at the mission to get a kitchen, just click here for the link. That's the kitchen you'd be helping them get! I/we really appreciate any support and the willingness on your part! I've found that the only thing you need for God to use you is willingness. Any extras will be going into any other projects I can help with!