Last night, we grabbed some Starbuck's, split up three large frappuccinos between six of us, and a small coffee for my husband, and went out to the country to watch the meteor shower. It was supposed to be a big one, but of course much better the later you're out there, and we still have young kids. This isn't the first time we've tried this. Every single time I end up disappointed, not sure if I saw anything at all. Yet, my husband never fails to want to take us. We missed the "kissing planets" I had actually built up some excitement about due to a cloudy night, and last night as we were driving, it looked like it was going to be the same. My initial reaction was just to get on my phone, and not expect anything. The kids went about their usual arguing. I started thinking about our upcoming three week long traveling, how weary it was last year driving so long in a tiny enclosed space with so many frustrated people and no alone time as we hopped from shared space to shared space, and my heart sank.
I started thinking about the sermon from Sunday, and about when our joy leaves us (so incredibly good and recommended!), and I felt a little nudge to take in the moment, see what's going on around me, pray, and expect. I can't tell you this is the first time I've prayed. I actually think I pray every time to see something, and honestly I even think I expect to see something, anything at all, or else I don't think I would be so disappointed. Yet, this time, I was just so weary, so tired of being disappointed that I didn't even want to hope or expect.
But as I felt this little nudge in my spirit, I put down my phone and started thinking that I am so thankful I have a husband that wants to spend time together in this little pent up space. That even with some tight finances right now, he wanted to bless us with a drink and a shared experience, and how much hope he puts into these times that we'll see something. It seems like he usually does. *rolls eyes and laughs* As we pulled up to the spot, it was so cloudy, and I could tell he was a little frustrated, and we started praying that God would part the clouds and help us to see. Within five minutes, it was as though the clouds were the Red Sea, and I felt my anticipation start building as they parted. Then, within moments, I caught the last bit of what was probably one of the brightest and biggest meteors seen that night, only I was the only one to see it. It happened so fast, and I wasn't used to it, so I questioned if it was really what I saw at first. After another less bright one hid behind a line of clouds further up, I knew I had really seen one the first time. The kids were fighting over space to see, and my six year old son came upon my lap. I saw the same anticipation and could almost feel his disappointment the longer we sat with him not seeing anything, and I started praying that everyone in the family would see something beyond a shadow of a doubt, and just know how much God hears and cares. At one point, two bright meteors flashed across the sky as though one was chasing the other, unlike anything we had ever seen before. By the end of the night, we all had enthusiastically shared that we had seen something, and we don't doubt that even our four year old did as she excitedly screamed as she possibly saw her first one. My husband squeezed my hand last night as he saw my excitement, and it was so sweet.
I'm so glad that I didn't miss out on it due to my previous lack of hope. I'm so thankful that God parted the clouds last night in answer to our prayers. The night could have looked much different, and been met with the same disappointment as previous attempts, but it didn't. I wonder if I would have missed out on it if I had kept my same attitude and lack of enthusiasm as before.
Seeing the cloudy sky reminded me of a poem I wrote as a senior in high school. I had just found out my plans for college weren't going to work out as I had hoped, and I was dealing with a lot of different trials at the time that made everything seem so foggy.
Cloudy Vision I look and try to see Beyond the fog surrounding me. The choices I need to make, My journey at stake, Dependent on indecisive me. And how could I make such a wise decision With such cloudy vision When I can't see beyond today? And why must this be?
That I have to determine my destiny, On such a cloudy day?
For a while, it seemed like the clouds parted and God clearly led me on the journey I went on, only to deal with silence and heartbreak for almost a decade. I wrote about it in my book. My vision was cloudy. My hope was shot, and while I knew God to be real, I forgot He cared about me. I saw that others were still seeing glimpses of His light and love just like my husband seeing all the meteors, but I was missing out. There were glimpses here and there, flashes of kindness and hope that were short lived, or moments that were so real and bright, yet I questioned His love for me. It’s hard to receive anything from someone you don’t believe cares for you. A binder I made during the time said,
All I want is my frustration to be replaced with signs of spring,
All I want is confirmation that You're going to see me through this thing
I was reading John 7 this morning and in verses 11-12, it says, Then the Jews sought Him at the feast, and said, "Where is He?" And there was much murmuring among the people concerning Him. Some said, "He is good"; others said, "No, on the contrary, He deceives the people."
There are times that I've thought people in Jesus' time had the upper hand. Yet, so many saw, but didn't know what they were seeing, or heard, but didn't know what they were hearing. I wonder how often I miss His voice or flashes of light due to my indifference, unbelief, or loss of hope.
Luke 17:24 ESV says: "For as the lightning flashes and lights up the sky from one side to the other, so will the Son of Man be in His day."
Did you know that meteors happen as a result of friction? I forgot that.
While the friction in our lives can often cause us to become frustrated and discouraged, God desires for it to produce light in our lives. While it's so easy to lose heart, may we keep our eyes on the Author and Finisher of our faith and continue to hope.
