"Think about your own ambitions. Among the many things you may have written down, which of them would you spend twenty or more years making a reality? Then, stress test the idea. If it all turned to ashes, would you rebuild it all over again? That's the kind of resolve and intent I'm talking about. You'll know you're on the scent of a worthwhile, lasting ambition when the strong scent of a smoldering fire wouldn't dampen your resolve to build it twice even before you had built it for the first time." -Bob Goff in Dream Big
I've been reading Dream Big by Bob Goff lately. (Actually, this is my 3rd book of his in a row I've read.) In it, he shared how he always had a dream to have a place where people could gather, find rest, and go deeper with in their relationships with God and each other. It took twenty years to build their lodge they dreamed about, only for some workers to make a mistake that burned it down within twenty minutes. It took them a year to grieve their loss and another four to rebuild it, making it almost twenty five years of pursuing the same ambition. Yet, they had such a strong vision for the project, they thought it was worth it. In fact, through counseling during the grief process, he and his wife were able to uproot a horrific trauma she was living with, and he shared that if it took their dream burning down to help her heal, he would have lit the match himself. He encouraged readers to think about what dream we have that we care enough about that we would still fight to rebuild it after it burned down to the ground.
I keep coming back to creating a space and writing books where women can heal and be set free and planting seeds to give children a strong foundation from the ground up. Spaces and books where they can find themselves, live up to their potential, and be at rest. I kept thinking about the opportunity I have to partner with Union Gospel Mission and do just that. I certainly don't have the means to buy a building or pay for all the materials it would take to build from scratch. However, one of my strengths and joys is taking those things that are weathered, torn, beaten, and forgotten and creating something beautiful out of them. Yet, before those things get beautiful, they often go through a period where they look worse before they get better. In the process, I start wondering if they were really that bad to begin with. With our limited budget, the amount of energy and work it takes, and my shortsightedness, it almost never fails for me to wonder if it's really worth all the effort in the midst of the process. Before it gets better, it always seems worse. Yet in the end, I never regret it or doubt for one second if it was worth it. (Thankfully, the more houses we do and things I restore, the shorter the doubting period during the process is.) With the advantage of seeing the end from the beginning, I don't think God ever doubts that we're worth the effort . He knows that our deconstructing period and those trying and messy seasons produce a character far greater in us than if we were always new.
When I set out to help Union Gospel Mission a couple weeks ago, I just knew I could negotiate a good deal on a kitchen and help them fulfill a dream they've had for a while in an environment serving the women and children I'd love to see at rest and set free. I didn't think I'd be raising the funds to do so and hate asking people for money. The first week, we were about $20 short of the amount needed just to hold the kitchen, and I was terrified we would just be paying for him to put up ads to sell it after my goal fell short. As much as I'd love to be able to purchase it outright, the projects on our own house, having to buy a new tv after ours died a few weeks ago, having to pay for new axles for our van we weren't expecting, and the amount needed to open a home equity line of credit has made our budget uncomfortably tight during a time we normally spend more than normal. This whole process of sharing consistently, making two different videos when I've felt so uncomfortable in my own skin lately, and asking for money has been somewhat humbling and felt so far above my capabilities. Yet, we did it! We raised enough! Hearing a lady from UGM sharing that they've just needed someone willing and thanking me that I was that person and another friend sharing how much the mission means to her yesterday and saying how proud she is that I'm taking this on and giving generously has made me tear up. While I was able to raise the funds to get the kitchen, it's been a struggle to get it transported and my friend Ann who works at UGM and I were sharing if this is going to be permanent and done right, it really could use a new floor underneath and now I'm trying to figure that out as well. As much as I'd love to just be able to sand and refinish the hardwood floors they have, there are holes in the floor and unevenness from various thicknesses of metal plates put over the holes and wood's not exactly the best material for a high traffic kitchen. My husband thought the best course of action would be to take up the metal plates and put a new subfloor down over them. 3/4" plywood would be best, but 1/2" would do and save us over $530 plus tax, coming in a little over $750. I'd like get a waterproof vinyl plank that looks like wood and is suited for heavy traffic and commercial use. I found a good one we used in our bathroom that I know is good on sale at Lumber Liquidators that just happens to have by far the most in stock of the five or so that I compared and I can get for about $4,000 despite needing to cover a large area. Plus, I need to buy underlayment as well. I'm guessing with everything and tax, it'll be about $5,500, and that's if I can get volunteer labor. If not, it'll probably be another $2,500 just to lay the floor, not counting the subfloor-though my husband might help with that. I have no idea how I can raise such a large amount. It feels so big and heavy. Yet, I doubted being able to get the kitchen as well, and here we are. Those who gave reminded me that there are others who want to see the same things I do, they've just been waiting for someone to step up and help see it through. While I raised $1,815 through gofundme, I was only able to get $1,756.95 after fees (plus we had $550 given in person!). I have a little leftover to go towards the floor, but clearly need a lot more. If you have a heart to give towards this project and don't want to have fees taken out, you can Venmo me @Rachel-Dittmer-1 or PayPal me at rachelanndittmer@gmail.com and just share that it's for UGM in the about section and if you mark that it's for a friend, it won't charge any fees to either of us for it. I give you my word that I won't pocket any of it and will give updates on what's shared. I plan on trying to get a sharing link through UGM set up specifically about this project that will hopefully share more about where we're at and will share the link when I can. I kind of have a busy day today. (I just woke up super early and wrote this because I couldn't get things off my mind). I want to bless these women and children and this mission so much and getting good deals, negotiating when I need to, and making things beautiful is just what I'm good at. The humbling part of asking and putting myself out there is the terrifying part to me. I so appreciate those who have come through with your generous giving and sharing and encouragement. I was up past midnight looking for flooring solutions that would work well without breaking the bank, and woke up early due to being unable to sleep thinking about how I could make this work out with my schedule, lack of funds, and the heaviness of it all. I can't thank enough those who have helped carry this burden that I find worthy of lifting. I hope that when all is said and done, these women realize that while the process to deconstruct, heal, and rebuild their lives is messy and hard and painful, they are absolutely worth the effort it takes to do so and walk in freedom, wholeness, and rest. God thinks their lives, wellbeing, and dreams are worthwhile, and I do too. I hope this helps show them that.